Musings

Dear Journal.

I have SOOO much to tell you. I have lots of observations and things I need to document. I will, soon, I promise. I will not leave you long in the smokey backroom that I envision in my brain where all the ideas are kept, drinking whiskey and playing poker - sometimes UNO or board games. But I visit them, really, saw you today. Journal, you will not be there much longer - but say hello to the beatles, Boddicea, The Triple Goddes, Vincent, most of my family and, of course - Mozart's dear sister

XO,
Sara

Current Mood: exhausted

Lenora has been home for just over a week now, and boy are we glad. The whole family is still adjusting, but its nice to have our house full of girls! Erik is going to update the blog soon - really! - with new pictures. She is changing all of the time and Faelyn is a sweet sister. Lately she has taken to giving Lenora little hugs and kisses before she goes to bed.

Lenora had a check up yesterday with the neonatologist. He has given her a clean bill of health, and the diagnosis is immature lung. Apparently even at 39 weeks about one in 200 babies are born with immature lungs, but that is not, apparently, enough of a statistic to CHECK this organ when scheduling a C-section for a massive baby. Had I the choice, I would have carried her longer, but its not really anyone's FAULT. Yeah. I don't wish those days on anyone. He did say that there should be no permanent weakness in her lungs, no worries for asthma or anything else. She is gaining weight - she is now 9 pounds and 12 ounces and getting bigger I am sure as she is eating like NON stop.

The hardest part... now... is helping Faelyn adjust. And potty training.

So she is still at the hospital. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not. She has been officially diagnosed with immature lungs. Not sure why that was missed in the last ultrasound, or if it was undetectable. Not sure I care at this point. I just want her lungs to get strong so she can come home. Maybe tomorrow. We arent second guessing anything, so, that's where we are. She is a hungry little gal, eating really well from both the breast and bottle. I have been pumping milk for her so she has had nothing but mommy milk - which apparently I produce in epic proportions. We always knew it was good, but the nursing staff and doctors kind of cannot believe how much milk I can make. So, if you need a wet nurse...

Seriously though, I am trying my best to get through each hour. I am crying a lot. I am trying to laugh. Faelyn is pretty stressed out too, but we are all coping and hoping for our family to all be together soon.  Erik posted some pics and video of Lenora on the blog, so check it out. Hopefully more to come soon. Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers, keep em  coming.

Love!

www.mcschnitfamily.blogspot.com

Hey everyone,

Lenora is still in the hospital. Her lungs were not quite ready, and she is still on Oxygen and IVs. I don't know now when she is going to be home, I hope by Tuesday. I am not sure I want to really talk about it, but I will keep updated as possible. I will be back and forth to the hospital until she comes home. Thank you for all of your love and well wishes. I need your prayers now more than ever.

Sara

Got some news that I was rather disappointed with at the last appointment, we will see how it goes after the ultrasound on Saturday. If the babe is big, I have a big choice to make. I don't like that it is my choice, I don't like it one bit - because it doesn't feel like my choice. It doesn't feel like I would chose to have surgery. I don't think thats the "best decision". I am beginning to feel like its the "only" decision. Like it has been from the start and I have been fooling myself.  Last night Meck told me that it doesn't make me less of a woman, that clearly I should not define myself by whether or not my children were delievered naturally or not. That maybe 500 years ago I would not have survived, but maybe 500 years ago my body would be different, the baby would not be so robust. That I should think about those terms. That I should find other definitions of what makes me a woman. My boss told me "For crying out loud, you've nursed for three years - no one I know can top that!" She has said that motherhood has defined me as a woman in a way that creates a sense of strength around me and that it doesn't matter how that baby was born.

So right now, I don't want sympathy. I just want support. I don't want anger, or for you to try to feel my loss or to empathize. I just want you to come over when she is born and say hi to her and bring yummy things to eat. I want you to tell Faelyn how special she is, and to rejoice in the new life. Because that is what I am going to try to do.

I think I have made my choice. It will solidify this weekend, but I have to do what is best for my family. Even if its not what is best for Me.

Current Mood: contemplative

It really could be any day now. Any day when I will be holding my daughter in my arms. When I will learn what the word Mother means anew. Trying not to compare the experiences is hard, but here is what you should know, my baby precious. You are wanted, you are mine and you are your own individual. I will love you fiercely and loyally and with all of my heart. I am scared and confident. Excited and reticent. Disappointed in myself, a little, for not enjoying every second, but feeling like the mother of creation - something I thought I should have felt. Pretty awesome.

What you, my friends should know is this. I am doing okay. I am feeling very tired, and very isolated, but I think that is normal. I am feeling very vulnerable and sometimes - very alone. I am terrified of losing KT who has been my rock for the last three years when it came to my self doubts and questions about motherhood. I am terrified of another C-section. I am scared of losing more of myself. I am scared of not throwing myself 100% into this child. I am mourning the loss of Faelyn's status as only only only. I even sometimes worry that I won't have enough breastmilk- which is really quite silly of me.

I didn't finish my sacred theatre piece. I may yet, I may not. It doesn't seem as important as getting my suitcase packed for the hospital or enjoying TV time with my husband. I worry that our relationship is teetering. I know that we are going to be okay, but there is still all of this worry.

Its getting close. I am so thrilled, so overjoyed so much everything all at once. Forgive me if I cannot remember the last thing we talked about, or the details of a conversation or...

Much love.

Current Mood: contemplative

Started my piece for sacred theatre workshop. Scares the crap out of me.

Current Mood: contemplative

This girl will be named:

Marlowe Gwendolyn

Ronan Elaine

or

Lenore Georgianna

We will see her and decide at that point, just like we did with Faelyn (who could have been a Fiona Shan or A Morganna Christine, but ended up truly being a Faelyn Erin) 

XO

Current Mood: anxious

I would totally do this... www.mamasbelly.com/

I have't been writing much, been feeling kind of depressed. The weight of the baby is beginning to wear on my body and energy, the hormones affecting my mind, the increased sleepyness and lack of energy invading my time with my Girl and my Man. That and as the count down to one of the most wonderful things in the world draws nearer, another painful loss approaches at exactly the same time. I am trying to explore some things, hopes, fears, general stuff through my piece for the WTA. The first meeting was super intense, revealing a lot more than I thought it would, and I must say, scared me all the more. I am not sure I am capable of eviscerating myself for the universal good right now, but I feel the pull to do just that. This is partially what theatre of the sacred is (to me)- something intensely personal opens the door to the divine and universal cauldron to create a shared experience which brings the conciousness above the mundane. Tying the profane unequivocally to the sacred. Where the knot is tightest, lay Gods.  As I am finding a lot of ties, a lot of places where the knots seem inevitable, this seems appropriate. But I am so tired. So very tired all of the time except of course, when I should be sleeping. Its ridiculous. Its like I am newborn and have mixed up which is day and which is night. I remember this insomnia well, but I hardly expected it now. I think the last time it was this bad was years ago. So I know I am in a deep funk, and I am not sure I am capable of finding my way out, because I cannot trust my hormones. I am trying to balanace in a time when balance is really the opposite of normal. Giving in seems like giving up, and its really really hard. Work is fairly routine, which helps.

But don't get me wrong.

Everytime she moves, I smile. She is so active now and I am really beginning to feel her energy. I think she is more empathic than Fae, as bright a spirit, but this one is a healer rather than the leader I believe Fae to be.  But I think that they will find solace in each other, that their candles will burn as bright. I am hoping for this, because it is the relationship I have craved and sought my whole life. So maybe being the typical parent I am placing my needs onto my children, but I hope I can foster the relationship in a healthy way - so that it IS possible.  I am getting so excited to see her, and be her mommy and see how Faelyn reacts and see how our whole life changes again. I know its going to be hard, and some of the hardness is very intimidating. But I know we will find a way, and I know that it is meant to be.

Really... it would be nice if we had a house. But I would settle for Laundry in the building.

Current Mood: okay

It hardly seems possible. But there it is. 98 days to go. Its soo close. And So Far. Wow.

Current Mood: contemplative

www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/world-gets-its-first-gay-head-of-state-1519068.html

Um. I am so excited to be alive.

The third name is still up for grabs but it will be either

Daphne Elaine Schnitger  or Ronan Elaine Schnitger.

Daphne of course, has her very own myth and means Laurel Tree - huh, go figure. We like it a lot, but I am debating whether I like it enough to rhyme with her cousin's name. (Dagny, I mean its like the same name but one letter of the alphabet off... so yeah)

Ronan is actually traditionally a boy's name and means little seal. I am obsessed with this idea of Silkies... Irish mythological women who were seals who came ashore and shed their skin to walk as women. If a man found her skin and kept it - he basically kept her, but if she found the skin again it was back to the sea. This is supposedly where the "black" Irish come from  (Those with dark hair and eyes).

Elaine means light and would be after two women who are very dear to us, and have helped us so much in the last few years. Also, since Fae's middle name is Erin it sorta keeps with a family tradition (Most of us McGuires have K middle names). Elaine is also Arthurian. So... Woot!

Schnitger because we made a deal... and we are sticking to it. A lot of people have commented that this will make our lives at school complicated... blah blah blah. I say, neither of us wished to change our name, and we wanted to carry on the names with our children. So. They can make their own choices when they grow up.

Ok... there you have it. Vote? Comment? Be nice? 

"Officials say President Barack Obama will sign an executive order Friday ending the ban on federal funds for international groups that promote or perform abortion."

Wow.

I was listening to NPR today and they said something like "The President will..." and it hit me. Who they were talking about. Someone I love.

Current Mood: accomplished

I feel like I should say something today. But I am not quite sure what. Stunned, awed, exhausted. Surreal.
Hope above Fear. Hope above Fear. Hope above Fear.

Current Mood: calm

K... Looking for some good G Names.... why? Erik's middle name is, in fact, the letter G. I know... right? So we thought our second daughter could have a G middle name to honor her daddy... thing is.... I am tapped out. Suggestions??? 

XO

Current Mood: cranky

Marlowe Gwendolyn Schnitger - Obviously for Kit Marlowe, maybe not so obviously because Humphrey Bogart played a Detective Marlow several times and E loves Film Noir. Marlow means Lake Remains and Gwendolyn means White Brow - she was also credited for being the sister of Merlyn and the one who received all of his powers when he was locked in the crystal cave. So with the lake and merlyn we have a totally geeked out name for mom and dad that sounds less geeky than anyone would ever imagine!!! Woot! 

Lenore Georgianna Schnitger - Besides being the subject of the pining of a poor guy kept up at night by a Raven.... and other poems by Emerson's Jingleman... (okay some more morbid than others, but what a NAME) Lenore means light, and is French. Also my paternal Grandmother was named Nora Lee. I grew up with her, and though as an adult I am not so sure about her and my mom... she was lovely to have around and I loved her very much. Georgianna is also a family name, my mother's Great Grandmother... she was French too. George means Farmer and Georgianna is a feminization of George, which is the family name part... so Lenore Georgianna would be a Light Farmer... how awesome is that.

It should also be noted at this time that Schnitger means "reaper" or "one who reaps" Which is also pretty awesome.... in AUSTRIAN. Anyway.

Still working on a third to round out the choices....  Faelyn has such an awesome name, we want her sister's to rock just as hard!!! 

Current Mood: giddy

Things I would like to do before having another child:
(in no particular order)

1. Ride a roller coaster. I think the last time was 2003
2. Get more than a little tipsy.
3. Have a girls night out (maybe to go with #2?)
4. Stay somewhere overnight with my husband
4b. Stay at home without Faelyn overnight
5. Visit family in Wyoming
6. Visit family in California
7. Visit family in Maryland
8. Get a new car
9. Sleep
10. Get used to my new job
11. Go out with my mom on a girls day extravaganza
12. Stay somewhere overnight with Faelyn
13. Wean? Faelyn to at least 1 feeding.  (Not going to happen before we start trying) ** Mission accomplished Faelyn is now down to one feeding of no more than five minutes at bedtime! Hopefully this will last through Daddy's rehearsals which begin later this month! WOOT! 
14. Watch Faelyn do some more amazing stuff. Like turn 2.

So... #4 I think will happen closer to when Baby Precious is due to arrive, so that Faelyn will be at home, without me or Daddy so that it wont come as so much of a shock when she spends a few nights (2-4 depending on delivery method) without Mommy.  and #9... what can I say. Sleep just isn't for parents of children under 5. There are so many bonuses though... so we are toughing it out. I am taking more naps these days and the morning wean is helping a little.

We had our first overnight without Fae on Saturday. It was kind of eerie to come home from the movies and have her room be empty. I am not sure I like it one bit to tell you the truth. I missed the girl, the sounds of her breathing over the monitor, the knowledge that she was there. It was not actually as comfortable as I thought. But we both got to sleep until 9 am, which was weird. I have been up every hour or two for the last several nights, so I welcomed the extra sleep and when she came home from Gramama's we made Daddy his birthday breakfast. It was pretty cute. She kept hugging me and hugging me. Gotta love that girl.

So... the next major milestone is really to get through Erik's rehearsal and show process. He will be rehearsal 4 nights a week, meaning he wont come home from work first for three of the 4 and it looks like every Sunday evening is marked for rehearsal - which I am NOT happy about.  I don't actually understand why directors in this city cannot manage to have weeknight rehearsals. I have done it for every show I have directed, only occasioanlly called in a weekend day... and I think I have done some good shows. And then before that - never in the history of my 5+ years of acting/directing and other experience in Denver - (And I did do an equity show there) did I ever have weekend rehearsals. It was understood that when you aren't paying folks, or even if you are only paying them a small fee, or even when I got a WEEKLY stipend from semi-professional companies, that people needed to have their weekends for their families until the show opened, as they were most likely carrying a full-time day job. And when it was an equity show - it was the full time day job. I don't know. I just think it can be done and people are too lazy to make schedules in advance, sure they change, but you can at least do a plot and then go back and figure out what you need to do. Oy. Anyway,  that may be all I need to say about THAT.

Then he will have either 2-3 or 3-4 shows a week from March through April. Caffiene is doing two shows in rep, so its a little different than usual. We'll see.

Okay. Done bitching and or gushing.

Current Mood: awake

"Get it straight! Elves are not Pirates!" - Dana Dardai

Current Mood: crazy